THE PEACEFUL EATING WAY PODCAST
You're Not the Boss of Me: Working with Reactance
Transcript
Hosted by Everett Considine. Recorded live in a Parts Work Practice from The Peaceful Eating Way™. Participants' names have been removed. This transcript was generated automatically and lightly edited, so it may contain small errors.
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Everett: Welcome to The Peaceful Eating Way Podcast. This is Everett. This is a live session with my Peaceful Living community about the Rebel, and the pushback that shows up when a food plan starts to feel like a boss. There's a guided journey at the end, so if you're driving, save that part for later.
So welcome. You're Not the Boss of Me: Transforming Reactance on a Food Program.
Hello, everyone.
I'm spending so much time on reactance 'cause it just feels like a revelation around what... People usually come to me, and the people that I work with in Bright Line Eating who are having trouble staying on their program. And, and reactance, which is this need, the, the rebel energy, right?
And this need to restore a sense of autonomy by breaking out of their food program is like, I don't know, I feel like it's like the core of what I've been helping everyone with for 10 years. And so this, this understanding of reactance is like something that's so built into us.
It's just so built into us. And I think it's, I think it's especially strong in people that have trauma, have a trauma history. Because if you, if you, if you were controlled in some way as a child, if you were controlled in some way to your detriment, like, a protective system builds up, which is like, no one is ever gonna... no one and nothing is ever gonna control me again.
So, you're not the boss of me. So, transforming reactance on a food program. So reactance is the automatic pushback that can arise when a food plan begins to feel controlling, restrictive, shaming, or imposed. This practice does not try to defeat the rebellious Part. It creates a way to hear its protest, understand what freedom it is protecting, and move from automatic opposition toward an honest, conscious choice. The aim is not compliance.
The aim is an inner relationship in which the Part no longer has to rebel in order to have a voice.
So, when a food program becomes the boss, right? A food program may be simple on paper, but it does not enter an empty world. It arrives in a system that already contains memories of diets, deprivation, criticism, authority, failure, shame, and promises that were difficult to keep. One Part may experience the program as safety and structure.
Another may experience the very same structure as captivity. Reactance is the impulse to restore freedom when freedom seems threatened. It may appear as anger, dismissiveness, rationalization, secrecy, rule-breaking, delay, or the sudden conviction that the plan is unreasonable. The behavior often looks self-defeating from the outside.
From the inside, however, the Part may believe it is defending something essential: dignity, spontaneity, pleasure, adulthood, belonging, or just the right to choose.
The system begins to believe there are only two choices: follow the program and lose your freedom, or break the program and prove that you are free. Why pressure makes it stronger: when a Controller, an Inner Critic, or a frightened health manager responds with more pressure, the rebellious Part often becomes more determined.
The Controller says, "You must," and the Rebel answers, "Make me." Each Part confirms the other's worst fear. The internal struggle becomes less about food and more about who gets to be in charge. That is why willpower alone can produce a repeating cycle: restriction, tension, rebellion, relief, regret, and then renewed restriction.
Around and around we go. The solution is not to let the Rebel run the whole system. It is to create a form of leadership that does not resemble domination. Oh, let's read that again. It is, it is to create a form of leadership that does not resemble domination. A third possibility. A third possibility is authentic choice.
The person can remain free while choosing a boundary. They can listen to the Part without obeying every impulse. They can revise a plan deliberately without exploding it reactively. They can say, "You have a voice here, and you do not have to make this decision alone." I do not have to rebel in order to be free.
So let me show you this.
The CHOICE process. A repeatable six-step process for meeting reactance before a meal, during an urge, in a social situation, or after the program has already been disrupted. So, CHOICE, our acronym du jour. Catch the pushback, that's the C. Notice the resistance and name it without judgment. "Something in me is pushing back."
Catch the pushback. H, honor the no. Acknowledge the refusal before trying to change it.
"I can feel how strongly you do not want this." Honor the no. Acknowledge the refusal before trying to change it. "I can feel how strongly you do not want this." O, open the threat. Ask what the program feels like it is doing. Ask what the program feels like it is doing: controlling, depriving, humiliating, erasing pleasure, or repeating an old authority dynamic.
I, invite choice. Restore the truth that the program is not an outside ruler. It can be examined, adapted, or consciously chosen.
C, choose. Choose a small yes. Ask for the smallest honest next step: one meal, 10 minutes, one phone call, or a deliberate adjustment.
Choose a small yes. And then E, evaluate the agreement. Return afterwards, ask whether the Part felt heard and what would build trust next time. So, catch the pushback, right? You feel it, right? Like, you're, you're, you're about to have lunch, right? And you wrote down broccoli, and part of you goes, "I don't want broccoli."
Right? Like, you just catch that. You just catch the resistance. And then you honor the no. You acknowledge the refusal before trying to change it. "I can feel how strongly you do not want this."
And then open the threat: ask what the program feels like it is doing. Do you feel controlled? Do you feel deprived? Do you feel humiliated? Is this erasing pleasure or repeating an old authority dynamic? Yeah. And this, this I think would be very interesting for all of us that work with this dynamic, to, to start to understand what, what is it that's triggering the reactance, right?
Is it that we're feeling controlled, or we're feeling deprived, right? Or are we feeling humiliated, right? Like, why, why should... Why can't I just be... Why can't I just have what I want? Why can't I be an adult and have what I want? Is it erasing pleasure, right? That broccoli just seems so boring.
Is it... Or is it just an authority dynamic, right? You've got one of those critics in there that's just an internalization of your controlling mother, right? And you're like, "No, I don't want. No." And then invite choice. Restore the truth that the program is not an outside ruler. It can be examined, adapted, or consciously chosen.
And then choose a small yes. I like this, right? Because it's... We're, we're putting the brakes on the reactance, right? Because normally the reactance just barrels in and knocks everything over, and we're just that Part, right? Because usually reactance has a lot of energy. So what's the smallest honest next step?
Pause for ten minutes and check again. Decide that we're gonna have zucchini instead, but we're gonna stay Bright. We're not gonna have whatever. Or you're gonna make a phone call. Right? "I'm gonna make a phone call to one of my buddies." Or maybe you just text someone and say, "Oh, I'm feeling this reactance right now, but I'm gonna stay on my plan."
Or a deliberate adjustment, right? You're, you're not barreling into the change. You're deliberately making an adjustment. And that deliberateness allows you, perhaps, to still stay within the realm of a healthy choice.
And then return afterwards, evaluate the agreement, ask whether the Part felt heard and what would build trust next time. A reluctant but honest yes is more useful than a forced promise. The agreement must preserve relationship and choice.
The agreement must preserve relationship and choice.
So, what the reactant Part may be protecting, right? So, freedom: "No one gets to decide what happens to me." Dignity: "Do not treat me as weak, bad, or incapable." Belonging: "I do not want to be different or difficult around other people." I hear this a lot. Protection from deprivation: "I remember what happened when we were denied, hungry, or controlled."
Pleasure: "Life is already hard. Do not take away the things that help." Adulthood: "I'm not a child who needs rules." Protection from failure: "If I reject the program first, it cannot reject me." Spontaneity: "I do not want every moment of life turned into a system."
All right? Reactance.
Reactance rarely exists alone. It's often paired with a Part that fears chaos, illness, weight gain, loss of control, or public failure. The stricter that Part becomes, the more the Rebel experiences danger. During the practice, participants may need to work with both sides of the polarization. Absolutely. A useful question: what is the Controller afraid would happen if I stopped pressuring the Rebel?
And what is the Rebel afraid would happen if I stopped resisting the Controller? Right? Get that polarization out in front of you.
So, so now I'm gonna go into some journaling prompts. So if you wanna get out some paper and pen.
Recall a recent moment when you wanted to break, reject, delay, or argue with your food program. What was happening just before the pushback appeared?
Recall a recent moment when you wanted to break, reject, delay, or argue with your food program. What was happening just before the pushback appeared?
What did the reactive Part say? Write its exact words, attitude, or emotional tone without correcting it.
What did, what did the reactant Part say, right? Its exact words, attitudes, or emotional tone, without correcting it.
What did the food program seem to represent in that moment? Control, deprivation, judgment, failure, difference, loss of pleasure, or something else?
And what did the food program seem to represent in that moment? Control, deprivation, judgment, failure, difference, loss of pleasure, or something else?
What freedom, need, or quality of life was the Part trying to protect?
What freedom, need, or quality of life was the Part trying to protect?
What freedom, need, or quality of life was the Part trying to protect?
What other Parts reacted to the Rebel? What did the Controller, Inner Critic, health manager, or Body Judger say or do?
The pushback to the pushback.
What other Parts reacted to the Rebel? What did the Controller, Inner Critic, health manager, or Body Judger do?
What does the reactant Part want you and the other Parts to understand about why it behaves this way?
What does the reactive Part want you and the other Parts to understand about why it behaves this way?
What might be the smallest honest agreement that would care for your body without abandoning or overpowering this Part?
I think maybe one of, one of them might be just for today. "We're just gonna do this for today. We don't know what tomorrow will bring."
It is not the freedom you're looking for.
What might be the smallest honest agreement that would care for your body without abandoning or overpowering this Part?
And then I'm gonna give you just, I'll give you, like, three more minutes to just journal on, on whatever you wanna journal.
Oh, I was just curious what, what is bubbling up in you around this topic, and,
Participant: I think, I think it's really great, your, your trances that, that you're going into with this, because it feels to me people get stuck over and over and over in the same...
It's like a, a roller, a roller derby. They just keep going round and round with the same issues. So, like, pointedly going to the particular issues I think is really a great idea, and giving some tools to handle it when, when it's going on, to start. Because starting to notice it: "Oh, this is my Rebel.
Oh, what's really going on here?" To, to notice it, as opposed to being in it, where "the hell with it, I don't care. I'm sick and tired of being told what I have to do all the time." And, and, and that is particularly so with food plans that have "eat this much this time of the day." It can really, really trigger that Rebel, so.
Everett: Yeah. Yeah. Thank you.
Participant: Well, I found it very helpful, but I also actually did some Parts work last night around this with someone in my group. Or my buddy, I guess you would say. And it was very interesting to do the Parts. I had a couple Parts that were blended and had to pull each one out. And so I had that battle going on, exactly what you said.
It was like... I wanna reach my goal. I'm having trouble reaching my goal. I don't wanna stay in that... I was finding it as, there was a resistance and a strictness around the food. I wanted, I wanted the freedom to
eat what I wanted to when I wanted to. Not necessarily not my food stuff, although I had been eating some of that stuff. But, so I was just finding it all very restrictive and overwhelming, and I had to go in and look at those Parts and work with them. So this kind of reviews it, confirms it, and gives me a plan if, for any reason, I go back there again.
Well, I'm only human, I could go back. I pray that I don't, but I think all the work that I've been doing with the Parts has really been so helpful, getting to know myself better, my inner self better: the Controller, the Judger, the Body Shamer. So I find it all very, very helpful.
Everett: Right.
Thank you.
Participant: Mm-hmm. Thank you.
Everett: Okay. Yeah, you're welcome.
What are you, how is this landing for you, or what are you noticing, or?
Participant: My Rebel is pretty quiet, actually, regarding food. It's a, a Seductive Rationalizer that, that I feel most strongly.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: I really realized that as we went through these questions. And, it's... It can be a buildup over days, or sometimes it's a highly emotional day, or just dealing with lots of stuff.
And, yeah, the, just the voice comes in and says, "Yeah, let's..." And it's not my, it's not my food, it's just a little something. And it just, after I've imbibed, yeah, I feel the edge is taken off. And, and, and it quiets that Rationalizer down. So this is helpful to... And I've kind of caught it.
I, I mean, I'm just at the beginning stages, and probably last week, or within the last couple of weeks, I kinda caught that and, and, and, and tried to step back. And didn't do a very good job at that in that moment. Yeah, so this is gonna be very helpful for me, I think, to use this tool.
Thank you.
Everett: Yeah, you're welcome.
Participant: Well, I've been sitting here, I'm trying to decide how big a rebel I may have, 'cause I'm the great adapter. I, I just, I just go along. And then I, I, I wrote a couple things down as they came up. But the Rebel was very useful when I was getting out of both marriages, when I finally hit the wall.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: But I don't notice it so much with the food situation. But I'm gonna, I'm, I'm, I, I'm gonna make sure that's not a Part that's trying not to talk to... But it, it's not... I'm just gonna have to sit with this one for a while, because I'm not really sure how it fits, but I'm the great escape artist.
That's what I do. I have a Part that can take me out in a second. And then I wake up two hours later going, "What just happened? How did I just do that, or not do what I was going to do?" So, but I always learn from this. I always learn from the... This Food Trance situation has been absolutely stunning.
I'm really proud you did this. This is just... Yeah, I've learned a lot from this segment.
Everett: Oh, good.
Participant: From this trance thing, yeah.
Participant: I missed the first 15 minutes because my laptop wouldn't turn on. I was so...
Everett: Oh.
Participant: Yeah, I know. But the, but I came in when we were going through the questions, and I thought, "I'm too unsettled to answer them," so I wrote them all out. And then very briefly, I was able to just go through each question and give it a short answer, which is true every time.
And I've decided, I've renamed my Rebel my "No"...
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: ...from that, from that, this whole course. And I, I value my No. When I, I can go back after an incident and recognize the No. But in the moment, it's so strong, it just protects me from obsessive restrictive behavior. That's what it's trying to do, and it's so strong.
It's not till after, when I'm reflecting on it, that I recognize it. So this, this is, this is a good set of questions that I will journal more carefully with after the class.
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: Thank you.
Everett: So, No. No. So you got a name for it. Yeah. The official name, right?
Participant: My No.
Everett: Yeah. I, I like these questions too, 'cause they were, they were defining things very specifically, right?
Is, are you feeling deprived? Are you feeling controlled? Right? Like, those are really two different things that are going on, right? You know what I love is how, how you can just keep going, learning. You can keep going into something infinitely. It's like the Mandelbrot. It's like those drawn, those, those designs that you go into and they just keep opening and opening.
And, and, and I'm really appreciating that about this whole reactance discussion, and the fact we're spending months looking at it. And for me, and maybe this is with everyone, like, my, my reactance is so built into everything. It's, it's part of... It's kind of just this... And it's, it's the reason I don't do certain things that I, that I wanna do or plan on doing.
And, and usually in that moment there's, like, it just feels like, "Well, it doesn't really... I don't need, I don't need to do that." And, but, but it's, it's always been there. And I'm just now starting to recognize it as reactance. Like, oh, yeah, why... Why is that on a list to do, then, right? If it doesn't matter.
And it's, and maybe, again, it may be the controlling Part is too controlling, and it is actually putting out things that aren't necessary. And so I have a Part that looks at it and goes, "That's probably not necessary." But then that's an interesting question, right? Then look at the, look at the other Part.
Participant: Yeah. The more I'm thinking about it as we're going along, and for me personally, when I notice that I'm, like, wanting more, I kind of now can make, and it's similar to what you just said, I make an adjustment. I make, like, "Oh, just re-... I, I relax." I don't...
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: I don't have to go into "I'm doing anything wrong."
I don't go into criticism. I just notice, oh, I want more. And I don't believe I'm ever going to get to the stage that forever I will never want more.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: I'm just noticing it and not harming myself. When I notice it and, and work on relaxing myself to, like, "Yeah, this is just a signal that you need to..." That it is helpful for you to look at something, or, or just to relax.
Maybe not even look at anything. Just, like...
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: ...calm down. I don't think of myself as an addict anymore, but I certainly have those tendencies, that I can be alerted by that desire to want more. And, and through the years of doing this now, it's, it's, it evolves. It, it's evolving.
It's not like, "Now I'll never do that again." It's, it's, it's evolving.
Everett: Yeah, right? Like, it reminds me of those sort of Taoist... Like, if you're too rigid, you'll break, right? Like, there, there needs to be some flexibility so you don't break. And, and, and, and it is interesting.
Yeah, like the, like that quiet reactance, right? I think that's... And, and maybe that's another quality of it. There's, like, in-your-face rebel energy that a lot of times has anger connected to it. That's one of the things I notice. Usually when people have got a, a Rebel up, there's anger.
And if, if it's very, if they're very strong, like, they really wanna be doing their program, and, and they consistently go against it, to me that always clues me in there's a Rebel. And, and then once, then if you notice the anger, there's like a... But I guess, I guess I'm, I'm curious about this sort of more quiet reactance that's, maybe, maybe there it's like...
Just, like, taking the rough edges off of things that your Controllers really like.
Participant: Yeah.
Everett: And I like that image. I just got it: like sanding the rough edges off your rigid plans.
Participant: Yeah, I'm really glad you said that, because I almost didn't show up today, 'cause I thought, I, I didn't know why, and I... And to me that's a sign, okay, I need to be there. So I showed up. But I'm, I'm really glad for what you talked about. I think if there's a, if there's a Rebel present in me, it's a quiet one.
Very manipulative.
Everett: Mm.
Participant: Knows how to whisper in the background, kind of like the, like the thief.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: And so I'm really glad you brought that up, because I pretty much eat the same thing. There's certain things I eat all the time on, on the Bright Line program, and I'm not in Bright Line anymore. But after about 7:00 at night, I'm gonna start noticing what Part it is that's coming up, because that's when I wanna break it. So there's something quiet going on that's kind of... The seductive... the seductive rebel. Something.
Everett: Yeah, yeah. It, it's interesting, right? 'Cause I, and I think back on my family of origin, like, who I was as a child was, I was, like, on the surface I was the good boy.
My mom, everyone thought I was the good boy, but I was actually, like, behind the scenes, like, architecting all the trouble in the neighborhood, right? But no one, but no one would, no one would see it as me, right? And, and, and I kind of wonder if my Rebel's like that, right? Like...
Participant: That...
Yeah, that's what I'm referring to. Because I would do exactly what everybody wanted, to help out and whatever, and then on my own I was, I had the freedom to do what I wanted to do.
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: So, yeah. That's interesting. I'm really glad that came up.
Everett: Have I ever done a, a lecture on the Parts that lie?
Participant: I'm not, I don't recall one, but...
Everett: I think I have.
Participant: Maybe one in your library, but I don't recall one recently, live, at all.
Everett: Oh, yeah. This would be back in the day. But that would be really... I have Parts that lie. I've always been...
Participant: Yeah.
Everett: ...like, secretive. Yeah. And, and I have a lot of insight around that, and I have a lot of compassion, too, for people who lie, who are in relationship dynamics where they're basically, they feel like they're forced to lie in order to keep the peace, right?
Yeah. And, 'cause I've been in a bunch of those. So, but I, I think that would be, I think that would be a great talk to do.
Participant: How about lying to yourself?
Everett: Oh, for sure.
Participant: Is that involved? That's involved, too, I bet, huh?
Everett: Yeah. But that's kind of, maybe that's another angle on the Parts that lie, right?
Parts that lie to yourself. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I got those in spades, that's for sure.
Participant: I call it my first voice. My first voice goes to the lie, always.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: Mm-hmm. I'm noticing it now. I notice it pretty frequently.
Everett: Right. Right.
Participant: That's my... that's my automatic...
Everett: Yeah, yeah. Mm.
Participant: I've noticed in the last couple of days I've had some people calling me that I really don't care to talk to in the moment, but I get on there and talk to them anyway, because that's what you do.
You should do that, right? There's that voice going on.
Everett: Mm-hmm.
Participant: And then to get off the call, I make up some story.
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: It isn't a bad story, but it's still a story.
Everett: Oh, the Parts that lie. That's, that's rich.
Participant: Yes. That's...
Everett: Yeah. I did a, I did a, a...
Participant: It, that's not a one-day thing, Everett.
Everett: You're right.
Participant: That's a six-week course.
Everett: That's kind of like reactance. That's like a year long. It, it's a six-week course, yeah.
Participant: Oh, well, I haven't been on here in a while, but, this is, this is interesting, because your question about, like, going into a trance, it happened just before this call. So it was, like, very poignant, that I thought, "Oh, whoops, now I'm getting called out."
And here I am. Yeah. So I, I've been reading the Maintain book, and it talks about kind of letting yourself off the hook, where you beat yourself up with shame, and "I did it wrong, and I did it wrong." And so, at the end of the, the journal prompts, when you gave us time, I asked myself, "Is this okay?
Am I ashamed of this? Is this, is this a shame that I should be doing? Does this mean that I'm not a BLE person?" I try to define myself that way. "And am I truly just trying to hurt myself?" And I think there's that sense of that little, little yes, like you said, the small yes, because it does feel very restrictive.
And there's this... There is a food in my house right now because of summer, and there it is, stuff that other people in the home have. And so, yep, it, it's... For me, it's more the licks, bites, and tastes. I just wanted a taste of it. And, and I think I don't, I don't want to beat myself up for what I did.
I don't wanna feel ashamed about it. I just accept it as it is. It was the small yes. But then just resume, get back to where you were. And yes, you are a BLE person. That's what I, I tell myself. And so, yeah, it's basically looking at myself and saying, "What did it...
What is it that I needed more than that right now? More than that." And so respecting myself is probably the biggest thing. I just needed to respect myself. And my no, and I, I hear the word no, my no is something to be proud of. My no is something to be proud of. So that, that's kinda where it hit for me. But very, very interesting topic, and, and how it leads into the trance.
Yeah. You're just in a trance, and, and then till you notice that you're in the trance. So thank you. Yeah, it's good stuff.
Everett: And, and isn't it... The other thing that's kinda coming to mind right now is just how...
How rich a conversation curiosity allows.
Participant: Yeah.
Everett: Right? Like, if, if we bring in shame and shut down and "shouldn't have" and "wrong," it just cuts off all the conversation immediately. And, and then there's no opportunity for change, right? Like, this really kind of, what I've opened up is a shame-free zone, right?
Where we can bring our curiosity to reactance.
Participant: Yeah.
Everett: Right? Where, where the normal thing is to have some controlling manager come in and just shame us about it, to try and control it. And then maybe we feel that shame and get shut down, and then that's the whole conversation, is, is stuck there.
Yeah. And then there's no growth.
Participant: Yeah, and I think that's exactly what my typical situation would be. I would break my line, then I would shame myself, and then that's where I got stuck. And, and feeling bad about myself and my program and all that, where instead, just, just give in to that curiosity.
What just happened? What was that all about? Why did I feel I needed that? And, and go back and say, "It's okay. It's okay. We made a, a small exception. We're, we're still Bright Line. We're still there." So that, that, it's kind of like, like you say, a shame-free world that we wanna be in, to just analyze this.
Yeah. I like it.
Everett: Yeah. So, is there anything you might wanna share around what I've been talking about?
Participant: The lawnmower was going on out here, so if you called on me, I wasn't really sure about that. But I just label a lot of this under FY teenager energy. And,
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: One thing about it is that my FY teenager is quite energetic, and I need that energy right now, so...
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: ...have to kind of negotiate that with her a little bit, about some other issues besides weight management.
There are other issues that I need to, to work with, with so many people passing in and out of my existence right now. Some of them being very non-communicative or even irritating. So I've got a little bit of work to do here.
Everett: I'm glad you mentioned that, right? Because the Rebel does have a lot of energy.
Has a lot of energy, and a lot of us would like that energy to be...
Participant: Yeah.
Everett: ...have that energy and be using it, right? And it also shows, again, how important it is as a Part of us, right? That we're in touch with it, that we haven't disowned it, right? 'Cause then, 'cause then that energy goes, right?
So...
Participant: At 85, I need that.
Everett: Yeah.
Participant: Makes a big difference.
Everett: At 65, I need that, right?
Participant: To perk up.
Everett: All right. So let's do a guided journey and meet our reactant Part, our Rebel. And I, I like calling it the reactant Part too, 'cause I think maybe that gives you a little different flavor than maybe the Rebel that you've always been dealing with, sort of.
Yeah. And, yeah. So I wanna invite you to take a breath. Take a breath. And we've been talking about reactance, right? Like that, that desire to push against, right? That push against something that feels like it's trying to control you. And if you did the journaling exercises, right, we named off some things, like being controlled, right?
Being deprived, being humiliated, right? And feeling like you have to push against that, right? Someone's forcing you to do something that feels humiliating.
But see if you can just reflect for a moment on maybe the last time, or a time in particular, when you were feeling rebellious. And, and since we're doing it in relation to a food plan, you were feeling rebellious about your food plan.
And as you reflect on that, see if you can notice more about that, right? Like, what, what were you feeling? Were you feeling caged? Were you feeling deprived? Were you feeling like a child and you needed to be an adult? Like, what's the tenor of reactance that shows up for you?
And maybe it's that quiet reactance. You just find yourself not doing the thing that you had committed to do, with little fanfare.
And see if you can notice the, the energy or emotion of this Part. Does it... Is, is it strong? Is it angry? Is it quiet?
When your reactant Part shows up, how does it feel?
And if you were to personify this Part... And if you don't do images, you don't have to have an image of this Part. You can just go with a felt sense. But, but if you are visual, like, what would your reactant Part look like? Like, are they male? Are they female? Are they tall? Are they short? Are they...
What, what kind of posture do they have? What kind of expression do they have on their face?
What do they look like?
And how do you feel towards them? How do you feel towards them in this moment?
Are you open and curious? Are you shut down and angry? Do you not like them? Just notice it. And if there's not a Self quality, see if you can lean into some curiosity. Lean into some curiosity towards this Part.
And ask this Part, what's its role? How are they trying to help you when they show up?
And ask them what are they afraid will happen if they don't show up.
And see if you can also notice the Part that they're pushing against. The Part that they're pushing against.
And see if you can bring the voice of that Part to mind. This is probably a Part that maybe is telling you that you should be doing things in a certain way.
If you have a fairly structured or rigid food program, this is the Part that is probably policing that.
And then ask them, what do they want you to know about themselves? And this is actually back to the Rebel, back to the reactive Part.
And then I want you to come back to the voice of the controlling Part.
And I really want you to listen to that voice and notice how that voice talks to you and how it talks to the Rebel. Is it loud? Is it soft? Is it harsh? Is it kind? Is it male? Is it female?
And I want you to imagine for a moment that that controlling Part, right... Like, that that Rebel is really pushing back against the controlling Part, right? And what would it be like if you took the role of the controlling Part from your Authentic Self?
How would your Authentic Self perhaps communicate that same intention? Maybe it's an intention towards health, or an intention towards avoiding putting things in your body that harm you.
But if you were imagining that this controlling Part might be somewhat austere in its presentation, what would it be like if you, from your Authentic Self, very lovingly talked to this other Part about your goals?
And I think from this journey, this is the key differentiator, right? Like, how to notice whether it's a controlling Part that's in the lead or whether it's your Authentic Self that's in the lead. And you can tell by how loving the voice is.
So we're, we're talking about cultivating. Are you noticing your loving, your loving response to the reactant Part, versus this Controller's response, right?
Because as we know, the Rebel and the Controller will just push against each other forever, and drain you. But if you can step in instead of the Controller and lovingly communicate with the reactant Part, that is really gonna seriously change the dynamic for the reactant Part.
Because when you step forward and are lovingly curious about the reactive Part and why it's feeling the way it's feeling, you can then respond in a loving way. And, and that doesn't mean, like, caving and, and giving up your morals or your integrity. But it, but it does mean responding from a loving place.
And, and then very curiously taking in what the Rebel's telling you, and perhaps making an adjustment, or finding another way besides food to, to deal with the thing that the Rebel is surfacing, that they're concerned about.
So, the ability to notice whether you're in the, the austere Controller or whether you're in the loving Authentic Self energy.
And I wanna, I wanna invite you to imagine the Controller to one side in front of you and the Rebel to the other side in front of you, and then you and your body as the loving mediator.
It's like you walk into a room and there's a kid being berated by a kind of austere grandmother or something, and you are the loving mother. You walk in and you say to the grandmother, "Hey, I've got this. You don't have to worry about this. You can be dismissed." And then you are gonna talk to the kid and find out what's going on. And they're gonna talk back to you, and you're gonna have a relationship and communication.
Whereas them and the, the controlling, austere grandmother, nothing's gonna happen there except they're gonna fight.
And so just send some love from your heart to the reactant Part. Maybe even go up and take their hands and just love them. And you could say, "I love you. You're really important. What you represent is really important in my psyche, and I want you to know that I'm gonna listen to you, and I'm gonna learn from you.
And together, we're gonna figure out a way to go forward where we can accomplish our goals and not feel controlled or humiliated or captured, caged."
And then just take their hands and thank them, look into their eyes. And if the Controller's still around, you can thank them and release them.
Thank you for listening to The Peaceful Eating Way Podcast. If something landed for you today, take a minute to write it down before you move on. You can find more of this work, including the free Food Trance quiz, at everettconsidine.com.
